Creams and Donfessions
by SunnyDropped
Summary: One word: Crazy! Set in Stephenie Meyer's point of view. She's recounting an encounter with her 26 main characters, and they aren't exactly who she imagined them as. Haha I'm bad at summaries. Rated T for some mature and retarded references. R&R, please!
1. Wondering

_A/N: Haha. Okay. So I know that this is probably going to make you go "What the heck was she thinking when she wrote this?!" But that's okay! That's the reaction I'm going for. I wanted to try my hand at a humor fic, so here we are. I want to thank my darling Pixar for being beta AND helping me come up with these craaaazy scenarios. She's the best. I hope she enjoys being Felix's ho. Haha. Anyway, on with it!_

**Disclaimer: Although this fic is set in the point of view of the most admired Stephenie Meyer, I am not her. I don't own Edward or Aro or any of her amazing characters. The words in this story, however, are mine.**

_**SOMETHING TO READ BEFORE YOU START THE FIC:**__ This is set in Stephenie Meyer's point of view. Just thought I'd let you know. Or else it won't make sense._

Creams and Donfessions

The room was cold. Everything—from the damp stone flooring and walls to the hard furniture—was gray. Not a soft gray, either. Dark and musty. Uncomfortable. It reminded me of an asylum, like the one I had imagined.

Nervously, I sat in a chair. _Wait_, they had said. _We'll be there soon._ I trusted them, knowing they wouldn't lie to me.

For what seemed like ages, I waited in my cage. There was no noise; it was almost deafening, the silence. I sat in the chair, legs crossed and hands folded on my lap.

I then heard it. A breeze, it seemed, brushed by me, a whooshing sound accompanying it.

Then they were there, more vivid than any picture in my imagination. They seemed so real! And yet I knew, somehow, that this was nothing more than a dream.

The twenty-six of them formed a circle around my chair. I turned, looking each one of them in the eyes. I could feel tears beginning to well up in my own as I gazed at my beautiful creations—my children. My eyes came to rest on Edward, who was by far my favorite Cullen and favorite character to write about. He smiled as he heard my thoughts, and sheepishly, I returned it.

"Well…hello there," I said into the quiet.

"Hello, Stephenie," they echoed in perfect unison.

"Hi, Steph!" Aro waved eagerly at me, a huge grin across his beautifully cheery face.

I chuckled. "Hi, Aro."

He smiled once more, then began to bounce on the balls of his feet. "Carlisle! Carlisle, Carlisle! Tell her now! Come on, tell her!"

Confused, I looked at Carlisle, who was shaking his head at Aro. "Tell me what?"

Slowly, he turned his golden eyes onto me. "Why you're here."

"Ahh. Yes. I've been wondering that."

No one spoke for a moment.

"Well?" I asked.

Jane—always the brave one, the one to say things straight and to the point—stepped forward from her position next to Aro.

"Steph…you see… We all have something to tell you. Sort of like a confession from the deep down of our, er, hearts."

I looked at her expectantly. "Hmmm. Okay. Tell me what's on your minds."

Carlisle nodded, and all of them formed four lines in front of me on the stone ground.

"Who wants to go first?" Felix asked.

Aro had been bouncing in his place. Quickly—vampire speed—he jumped up and shouted, "Me!"

I laughed again. "Okay. Just one question, though. Do all of you know what each other is going to say?"

They shook their heads. "Some of us know another's secret, but not necessarily," Bella said. It might have been my eyes betraying me, but I could have sworn I saw her glance at Jasper.

"Alright," I said. "Go ahead, Aro."

"'Kay!" He pranced to the open space next to me. "My secret is…"


	2. Jealous, Much?

_A/N: Wooooo! Next chapter! Thanks to everyone who reviewed. (: Love youuuu!_

**Disclaimer: Nope. I'm still not Steph. Hmmmm. I should work on that. ):**

Chapter Two: Jealous, Much?

He paused for dramatic effect. Then, grinning, he stared straight at Carlisle with his piercing red eyes and proudly proclaimed, "I'm gay!"

Silence.

"Hand it over, Emmett," Rosalie whispered. Growling, Emmett handed his wife what appeared to be a ten dollar bill. Esme thumped them both on the back of their heads.

"That's very impolite!"

Aro just shrugged. "It's alright, Esme. I'm sure you all were assuming this was true, and I decided to confirm your suspicions." He grinned again.

"Err. Wow. Umm…" I cleared my throat. "Thanks for sharing, Aro. Is there anything else you want to say?"

Still smiling, he said, "Yeah." He made his way back to his seat and plopped down. "Carlisle has a nice ass."

There was a moment's pause before hysterics broke out. The only ones that weren't laughing were Carlisle (who would have been blushing, were he human), Esme (who was fuming), Aro (though he was grinning), and myself. I was just weirded out.

Carlisle jumped up. "Oh, just shut up!"

Esme stood to. Carlisle continued, "Just because Aro…fancies me doesn't mean I feel the same! For centuries I've been trying to shake him off. His," he gulped, "love for me has caused many problems. My family is constantly laughing at me, and MY WIFE IS FREAKING JEALOUS!"

My mouth fell open. Esme stared at the floor.

"What?!" I whispered. "Why?!"

She didn't look at me. "Just…he spends so much time with Aro! And…I dunno… Aro's fun and exciting, and really nice. And he's really handsome and smart and… _better than me_!"

Her shoulders started to shake. I hated when my vampire-darlings cried; their dry sobs seemed almost painful. Carlisle put his arms around her as we continued to stare them.

"Aww. Esme, love. You don't honestly believe that, do you?" Carlisle whispered in her ear. She continued to sob, answering his question.

"Shhh. Honey, you have to know that I love you. I have since the first day I found you; I love everything about you." He kissed her cheek softly, twice. Her shudders silenced. "You're fun and exciting too. And nice. And you're beautiful."

Esme looked up at him through her lashes. "Re-re-really?"

"Yes, my love," Carlisle said quietly as he kissed her gently on the lips. She wrapped her arms around him, and a collective "Aww!" came from us watchers.

Carlisle looked at me. "We're going to go. Have fun listening to what everyone has to say. We'll get Edward to fill us in later. Good-bye, Stephenie!"

He bent over to kiss me on the cheek, not letting go of Esme, who did the same. The two of them cheerily waved at the crowd and glared at Aro—who winked in response—and the couple departed.

I turned, eyebrows raised, to face the twenty-four left. "So. Who wants to go next?"


	3. Stupid Fridge

_A/N: Thanks to everyone who's reading. I about died when I saw how many alert lists I'm on. And favorite lists too. (: I love you. Anyway, I want to thank my dear Pixar for betaing again. As well as AnotherHPF, who helped make sure that my idea made sense before I put into onto paper. Thanks, Lovie! (Don't ask.)_

_HorcruxFinder wanted to see more Jacob, so…here's a bit of him. I'm not ready to reveal his secret just yet, though. But I know she'll just LOVE it. Bwahahahahaha. Anyway, here we go. Chapter three._

**Disclaimer: I'm not Steph. Darn. But! Emmett's history is all in my creation. Don't hate me for it. My idea. It probably isn't true, and I don't care. But the books don't say it's not possible. So I'm running with it.**

Chapter Three: Stupid Fridge…

No one answered me.

"How about Emmett?" Jacob smirked from the back row. Emmett whipped around from his seat on the first.

"Shut up, puppy!"

Jacob continued to smirk. "What's wrong, Fridge? Your secret can't be _that_ bad."

"Fridge" was the nickname one of my friends had given Emmett in real life and I decided to allow Jacob to call him that.

Emmett looked like he was about to retaliate. I had to step in—a fight was the last thing I wanted.

"Emmett—calm down. Jake, stop provoking him. Please, for at least this once, let's all be friends." I glared at Billy with my last statement. He put his hand on his son's shoulder.

"Now," I continued. "Emmett, will you please take your turn?"

He looked at me with the saddest look imaginable. When his puppy dog eyes didn't work, he sighed and grabbed Rosalie's hand, pulling her up with him. Hand in hand, they walked to the front by me.

"Err…well…uh…" Emmett stuttered. Rose squeezed his hand.

He sighed again, closing his eyes. "In my past life…when I was human…I had a learning disability. I wasn't retarded or anything, but I was the slowest thinker around."

I felt my mouth open for the second time in less than five minutes. I had never really given Emmett's past a hard thought, but it would have never started like this.

"Kids bullied me. Called me stupid. I was the laughingstock of my school. One day, some guys tricked me into following them into the woods. They left me there, stranded and lost. That's when the grizzly attacked me, and Rose came." He smiled at her. His words had come in a rush, but he looked truly relieved to have said them.

"We don't know why I'm not stupid now and—" Emmett was interrupted by a snort from Jasper. He glared at his brother. "Just because I don't have much common sense, Jasper, doesn't mean I'm an idiot."

Emmett looked at me. "That's all."

I nodded at him. "Thank you for sharing, Emmett. Rose? Would you mind going now?"

Her beautiful gold eyes flickered for a moment. She then nodded, and tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder.

"One day, about, oh…twenty years ago, Emmett and I had a date for my birthday. When I met him at the restaurant, he arrived with a dozen roses."

I didn't see where this was going.

"Normally, that would have been great. But two days prior, I had informed him that I wanted violets for my birthday. And then what does he do? He buys me roses! _Roses_! I blew up at him. 'I'm sorry, love!' he said. 'I forgot!'

"He got all emotional on me. But I was so angry. It was stupid, how upset I got. I stormed out of the restaurant and drove for miles. I headed into no where, and ended up in some small town."

We were silent, listening to her story.

Rosalie continued. "I hooked up with the first human boy I saw. He was about twenty, and did everything I asked him. One night when we were…umm…" she cleared he throat and looked embarrassed. "You know. I went too far and…killed him. On accident. I was shaken so badly. I went back to the Cullens as fast as I could. We never talk about it."

She shrugged, her tale ending. I stared at her.

From the back row, Jacob whistled. "Wow."

_A/N: Good?! Bad?! Tell me tell me tell me! I loved getting to write about Emmett's past. I know it's not true. But a lot of people imagine him as the dumber of the group, and what I said kinda made sense. (: But yeah. REVIEW. NOW._


	4. YeeHaw, Hos

_A/N: Wootness! Chapter four. OMC I cannot believe I'm already this far! That's amazing. I'm so proud of myself, too, because normally I never finish long stories. (: But I will finish this one! I promise! This chapter is dedicated to Pixar. She's amazing. And also, she's in this one. Look for her in it. Anyway, on with the funny!_

**Disclaimer: Not Steph. Sorry to disappoint you.**

Yee-Haw, Hos.

Emmett and Rosalie returned to their seats on the floor. My mind was still reeling from Emmett's past. Goodness! That was terrible. I mean, I knew that Emmett had little common sense in his vampireness, but a _learning disability_? Wow.

Marcus, Caius, Jane, and Felix stood. "We'll go now, Stephenie."

I nodded. I hoped that their secrets weren't as weird as the previous ones. They formed a line next to me, and as Marcus and Caius stepped forward, I heard the strangest sound. It was like the softest clicking noise, like high heels tapping. I chose to ignore it, since no one else had noticed it.

The two Volturi members gazed out at the crowd with their red eyes. I waited in anticipation for them to reveal what it was they had to say.

"Caius and I," Marcus started, "both have secret identities."

I tilted my head sideways. "Really?"

They nodded, and shut their eyes. Slowly, they began to undo the fastenings on their long black robes. When they were finished—still unbearably slowly—they dropped their gowns to the floor.

A collective gasp escaped our mouths. Standing before us, were two very shocking, very _different_ looking vampires.

Where to start? Caius looked…ridiculous. He was dressed in a black T-shirt with the logo "One-X" on it. His lower half was decked in black skinny jeans, and chains draped from his pockets all around his body. He had one of those spiky belts on too. He was wearing black and white checked vans and there were tattoos up and down his arms. He stuck an earring in his ear and then ruffled his hair so it stuck up in a weird way.

In contrast, Marcus looked like a hick. I'm not even kidding. He had on these tall, tan boots which I'm guessing is the source of the clicking noise I had heard. His light-washed and holey jeans were tucked into them. He had a blue and white plaid flannel shirt on, and it was tucked into his jeans. A large, obstructive belt buckle hung around his midsection, and he casually slipped perhaps the world's largest cowboy hat onto his head.

Emmett started laughing. I silenced him with a glare; he bent his head and muttered an apology.

"My secret identity is a hardcore rocker. I travel across the planet going to different concerts. My favorite bands are Seether, Breaking Benjamin, and Three Days Grace," Caius gestured to his shirt. That explained the logo. "I also like Papa Roach, AFI, Avenged Sevenfold, and Rise Against. Sometimes I hit several concerts in a night. I enjoy starting mosh pits and getting kicked out."

My hardcore-vampire grinned.

"I'm secretly a cowboy," Marcus drawled in this retarded sounding country accent. "I own several farms in the lower Alabama, USA, area. It's where I go when everyone thinks I'm away on business. I raise cattle, horses, sheep, and chicken. I'm too much into humans to eat them." His red eyes sparkled. He and Caius looked back at me for my reaction. I just stared at them in shock. They nodded, and clicked and clanked all the way back to their seats.

Jane stepped forward next. "I am obsessed with Playhouse Disney! I love how all the shows are so interactive. My favorite show is Charlie and Lola. Lola is so funny! And Charlie's friend Marv is like the cutest guy ever. Really. But I also enjoy Little Einsteins and Mickey Mouse's Playhouse." She smiled at me. I attempted to return it, but I was extremely weirded out. Emmett sniggered again.

What the hell is wrong with them?! I could only hope that Felix's secret was less retarded, like Aro's.

Felix cleared his throat as Jane made her way back to her seat. "Erm. Well. I'm hoping my piece can top theirs," he smiled. I smiled back encouragingly.

"Hmmm. How do I say this?" he sighed. "I guess I might as well just go right out with it…"

The Volturi guard whipped out a hat from behind his back and placed it on his head. It was black, with a pinstriped ribbon going around the base of it, colored purple, sky blue, orange, and lime green. Odd combination. I raised my eyebrows as he straightened it. It reminded me of a… Oh god. I really hoped it wasn't what I thought it was…

Then, slowly, Felix began to undo his robe like Marcus and Caius before him. He let it drop, and what we saw was just as shocking.

He was decked out in a pinstriped suit, the same colors that matched his ribbon. He pulled a can out of a pocket in his robe, and struck a pose.

"I'm a pimp. In my free time."

It was a good thing there were no flies in that room, because Lord knows I would have swallowed them all.

"Wha-wha-what?!" I stuttered. He chuckled.

"You heard me! I own about fifteen ladies." His grin was blinding.

Emmett, Edward, Jasper, and Phil all whistled and whooped and then got hit by their wives.

"Oh. My. God," I whispered.

Felix just grinned. "The truth's shocking, I know. But I gotta go. I'm taking one of my girls out." He leaned towards me and whispered, "Her name's Erin. She's my favorite." He winked and backed away towards the door, where a pretty, small girl was standing. Her skin was as pale as her master's and her hair a golden blonde. She smiled at us, and bounced, her tall pumps never moving from the ground. This caused her already short skirt to fly up more, and her disproportional boobs to bounce with her. Felix grinned again and waved. He draped his arm around Erin and walked out the door with her.

Grimacing, I turned back to the rest of them. "Well this is scary."

_So how was it? I hope it was funny. (: I know it wasn't as good as the other ones, but hey. I think that Erin's part was funny. Her and her boobs. –rolls eyes- Anyway! I think you should review. (:_


	5. Mr Congeniality

A/N: Chapter five, loves

_A/N: Chapter five, loves! I'm sorry I haven't updated in forever. I've been posting Pass the Fic and this book report thing for school. Plus, writer's block is evil. But here I am! I hope you enjoy it. (:_

Mr. Congeniality

Everyone chuckled. They obviously weren't as freaked out as I was. Which I guess is understandable, since they were the ones doing the freaking.

Sam stood, and glanced at me. I nodded for him to go ahead, and he walked up to stand next to me.

"You know how in my house, there's that room with the collection of all the Lifetime channel movies, and then a collection of every television series ever aired on it?" he asked.

I shook my head, but everyone else nodded. Of course, it wouldn't be the first time they knew more than I did about my characters.

"I've always told guests that it was Emily's room when they asked about it. But the truth is," Sam dropped his gaze to the ground in front of him. "It's my room."

Hmmm. That's different.

"I am secretly obsessed with the Lifetime channel. It's my favorite channel; I watch nothing but it. My favorite shows are Reba and Will & Grace. I have all the episodes memorized. Miss Congeniality is my all time favorite movie that they play. Sandra Bullock did an absolutely fantastic job. I've seen it a million times and cried every time."

The group—especially the men—started laughing. I found myself amongst them. Sam's confession was gayer than Aro's, oddly enough.

The look on Sam's face grew more and more embarrassed, mixed with defensiveness. "It's not funny! If you watched it you would love it too—"

Suddenly, Angela stood up. "If you're done laughing at Mr. Congeniality, I think I'll take my turn."

She headed for the front by me, passing a relieved-to-be-out-of-the-spotlight Sam. Angela folded her hands behind her back, and began bouncing on her toes while she collected her thoughts. Taking a deep breath, she stopped moving and looked at the back wall.

"I—I do…"

A pause. I stopped breathing. Please, please, _please_ don't let it be drugs!

"I do secret things on weekends."

Oh my Carlisle.


End file.
